I almost forgot to mention a delightful experience at the Kiawah marathon. Kiawah is held in a gated community, and runners were quite alone for the bulk of the race. It was refreshing to finally see spectators at the mile 13 turn-around point.
My children were there, and had created encouraging posters and chalk designs (subversively defacing the upscale community’s pavement). Focused, I could not read the signs as I ran by. Only after the race did I see them in full. Of course they were lovely. But I was particularly struck by what my youngest son (age four) created.
He would accept no help for his poster. He wanted it to be his unique contribution to race-day signage. I’m not sure how to respond to this, but he adamantly stated that the poster was not for me. It was for all of the runners. So he had held it aloft for some time to encourage the most people possible.
There’s just something precious about a sign created by an individual who cannot yet read or write. I don’t know what I enjoyed most; his earnest desire to personally encourage runners in his own way, the hilariously indecipherable art, or his determination to hold it up for as many runners as possible.
Well met, boy!
Boss,
The last time we checked, we were the servants of the brain.
If you watch late night cable TV at all you must be aware that the human body can often perform beyond expected capabilities, even under duress. You might also have noticed that dogged resolve (Dare we say “will power?”) has a great deal to do with this. Furthermore, you are responsible for higher brain functions. By extension, this includes responsibility for training regimen, nutrition, sleep patterns, and race-day preparation.
Life is about choices. Should you have willed greater performance, perhaps we could have delivered. If you had more determination, perhaps you chould have responded differently to calf discomfort. We thought you liked basketball. Would Bobby Knight have tolerated this lackadasical approach to limb management?
Perhaps you’re just upset at yourself.
Your faithful servants,
the legs
Gentlemen,
We’ve just finished the Kiawah marathon and now is the time to reflect on your performance. Alas, with a 3:31, we did not qualify for Boston today. However, I have word from the cerebral cortex that our chin is up, and the outlook for the future is still unflinchingly positive. This being said, we must dole out praise or scorn where justified.
The Feet
Another excellent job. You have endured the pounding of the marathon with no ill effects, discomfort, blisters, or pain of any kind. There are more Thorlos socks in your future.
The areobic system
Once again, you have performed above and beyond the call of duty. You had a near perfect race and easily could have propelled us to an ultra. You should write a book. Can we have your autograph?
And now for the legs.
You started well, but your perfromance from miles 17-20 left much to be desired, though at that point we were still on track. From that point things got worse. We feel betrayed by your lack of verve, strength, and endurance. Are you angry? Have we offended you? Perhaps you should have channeled these feelings into something more productive, like going faster despite the pain. This may sound blunt, but without honesty, how will we grow?
At least you also avoided any injuries. thanks.
Sincerely,
Dean
Mile - 26
Final Time - 3:31ish”On the Scene” Report: Jason says, “This will be my last post. I’m afraid that Dean is going to suffer a similar fate as so many others: Michael Dukakis, Dr. Octavius, Wile E. Coyote for example. Even the best laid plans do not always work to perfection: ask General Custer, John Kerry, or the lab mouse known as the Brain.”
Mile - 23
Split - 2:55:40
Current Pace - 7:38
Projected Finish - 3:20:06
“On the Scene” Report
Jason says, “Charles says he is really slipping over the past couple of miles, coming in around an 8 minute split. In similar news, the cell phone is running out of juice. I’m afraid my wit is also suffering, but not from fatigue as I sit comfortably in my Spartanburg home. We need to breathe life into our hero, so at exactly 11am Eastern time, I suggest we all face the East and blow as hard as we can to give him a good tail wind.”
Mile - 20
Split - 2:29:50
Current Pace - 7:29
Projected Finish - 3:16:16
“On the Scene” Report
Jason says, “Our first bit of bad news for our hero. RUN, FORREST, RUN! Maybe if we get one of those battery operated rechargers, he will hit his second wind. I probably shouldn’t remind him that the TPS reports are due on the boss’ desk Monday morning.”
Mile - 18
Split - 2:14:20
Current Pace - 7:25
Projected Finish - 3:14:33
“On the Scene” Report
Jason says, “This is still a good pace, even though I am told there is not much room for error once the wall hits. Third omen of the race: Deeper Still by Scott Krippayne was playing when I received the last call. We are trying to get the next update at the 20 mile mark, but Charles is probably going to take out a few people to get there. DO NOT GET IN THE WAY OF THIS MAN! Especially when he is on a mission. As for Dean, we’re hoping the Captain America sweatpants are providing inspiration. Maybe if he had Wonder Woman underoos, they would be more effective.”
Mile - 15
Split - 1:51:40
Current Pace - 7:26
Projected Finish - 3:15:02
“On the Scene” Report
Jason says, “Charles says Dean is slipping a little in the time. Apparently, at this section, the pace was supposed to quicken some. Was he supposed to be on rollerblades or something? I suppose the altitude of this sea-level race is beginning to get to him.”
Mile - 13
Split - 1:37ish
Current Pace - 7:27
Projected Finish - 3:15:29
“On the Scene” Report
Jason says, “There are no clocks at the half way point? What kind of marathon is this? Don’t they know there are anal-retentive people sitting at their laptops waiting for updates every 20 minutes? No threshold for the incovenient. On the other hand, seems like he is still on pace. ‘And so it begins.’ An homage to Theoden King of Rohan. Second omen of the race: Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves was playing when I got the last update.
Mile - 10
Split - 1:14:32
Current Pace - 7:27
Projected Finish - 3:13:47
“On the Scene” Report
Jason says, “No accidents so far. There is also no truth to the rumor that the runners had to stop and wait for golfers to cross the trail on their way to the 12th hole. I’m going to get my next report from Angie at the halfway point. For golfers, this called the turn. Is there anything that says that a marathon doesn’t really start until the half-way poin? We shall see.”
Mile - 8
Split - 59:40
Current Pace - 7:27
Projected Finish - 3:15:24
“On the Scene” Report
Jason says, “Traffic appears to be improving. Dean is right on pace for a qualifying finish. The bad news is that I’m starting to get hungry. That and the static on Charles’ cell phone are the only obstacles to a really funny update. First omen of the day: The song I was listening to when I got the last call, “What You Wish For,” by Guster. I would put this on the positive side.”
Mile - 6
Split - 43:18
Current Pace - 7:12
Projected Finish - 3:08:38
“On the Scene” Report
Jason says, “Charles needs to get me more accurate times. I fear the first post was more than just a little fast. At the same time, we don’t want any bicycle wrecks, even if the bicycle totally deserves it. The leader is at 8 miles at 41:45. Charles wants me to be on the bicycle next year. I’m totall getting a Seg-Way. We promise an accurate update at Mile 8.”
Mile - 3
Split - 2012
Current Pace - 644
Projected Finish - 2:56:24:79
“On the Scene” Report
Jason says, “The time is a little fast, but is probably the adrenaline and excitement. Charles is not happy with the bicycle situation. He tells me if he were in better shape, he would be better off just followig by running a steady pace. Of course, if that were the case, he would have ENTERED THE RACE.”
The Kiawah Marathon is about to start. This place is alive with exclusive, gated community excitement.
Right now, I’m probably standing on the pavement on Kiawah Island, freezing my buttocks off in runner short shorts awaiting the starting pistol. Yes, I’m nervous, but I’m sure I also just want to get going already.
Though I’m sure I have not done it, this is the one opportunity for the hoi polloi to urinate publically in the middle of an upscale resort with impunity. This is just one of the reasons why I love the running sub-culture.
Thanks everyone for the support and encouragement. Boston or not, it’s meant a great deal to me. I’ll see you on the flip-side.
My good friend Jason Chehoski will take over blogging for a while…
Jason says “We are up and running, no pun intended. The latest update is promising including a good bowel movement and plenty of fluids. My personal marathon will see if I can chew the same piece of gum the entire race. Local Kiawah weather shows a temperature a brisk 20 degrees. Forecast is sunny with a high of 54. ”
Preparations for Kiawah are complete, right down to the bodacious Captain America sweat pants. It’s now all over but the crying (and freakish misery). Let’s face it. I can’t promise Boston, but I can promise suffering.
Unfortunately, the Kiawah Marathon does not offer online runner tracking. No problem. This site will feature REAL-TIME UPDATES (alas, just for me) from the course on race-day, Saturday the 9th. Starting just before the opening pistol (8:00am), you can track my progress all the way to the finish; complete with SPLITS, PACE, PROJECTED FINISHING TIME and possible snide comments from guest blogger and good friend Jason.
Right after the finish, I’ll hobble over to a PC and offer an immediate post-race update, unless I am incapacitated in the medical tent.
See you on Saturday!
