The Layman’s Groin Triangle
I’ve tried everything shy of ritual sacrifice to solve this vexing groin problem. Now it has come to this: I’m reading medical journals. Normal folk waste their evenings with Facebook, YouTube and detective dramas. I read “The Groin Triangle: A Patho-Anatomical Approach to the Diagnosis of Chronic Groin Pain in Athletes.†Exciting stuff.
Written by professionals for professionals, medical journal articles like this are hopelessly dense. They’re full of esoteric terms like “anthropometric,†“trochanteric†and “tuberosity.†It took me less than three seconds to find these words after I randomly selected a typical three-sentence paragraph.
Technical jargon can be forgiven. But these articles habitually break the most sacred laws of sentence structure. I’m reading English, but it feels like German. I keep wondering when the verb will rear its fearful head. Such is the dilemma for the common man. How can one gain knowledge when it requires both an advanced degree and an interpreter?
Consider the abstract (introduction) for the article I’m currently reading:
RIDICULOUSLY COMPLICATED ABSTRACT
(skimming recommended)
Chronic groin pain is a common presentation in sports medicine. It is most often a problem in those sports that involve kicking and twisting movements while running. The morbidity of groin pain should not be underestimated, ranking behind only fracture and anterior cruciate ligament reconstruction in terms of time out of training and play. Due to the insidious onset and course of pathology in the groin region it commonly presents with well-established pathology. Without a clear clinical/pathological diagnosis, the subsequent management of chronic groin pain is difficult. The combination of complex anatomy, variability of presentation and the non-specific nature of the signs and symptoms make the diagnostic process problematical. This paper proposes a novel educational model based on patho-anatomical concepts. Anatomical reference points were selected to form a triangle, which provides the discriminative power to restrict the differential diagnosis and form the basis of ensuing investigation. This paper forms part of a series addressing the three-dimensional nature of proximal lower limb pathology. The 3G approach (groin, gluteal and greater trochanter triangles) acknowledges this, permitting the clinician to move throughout the region, considering pathologies appropriately.
Remember, the abstract is the simplest part of an article. Call me crazy, but I’m still trying to find the verb in sentence four. Reading becomes more laborious in the body of the article. Unless you’re a trained grammarian, you’ll exhaust your patience quickly.
If you just want to learn about your groin injury? Never fear. I’ve rewritten the article’s introduction:
MY REWRITE
Groin pain is common and worse than you think. Injure your groin and you won’t run, play or compete for months. Forget about a straightforward diagnosis. The human groin is a class-A mystery with anatomy more complex than the plotline of LOST. Groin pain can be maddeningly difficult to pin down. It comes and goes and moves annoyingly from place to place. We triple-dog dare you to clearly describe your vague symptoms.Your doctor is probably flummoxed, which doesn’t bode well for you. If she can’t figure out precisely what’s wrong, you’ll be up the proverbial creek. Inconclusive tests await. Kiss that deductible savings good bye.
But don’t despair! We have a way to solve this problem. It involves drawing an imaginary Triangle™. Really, that’s all you need to know. We’re pretty sure this will help but promise nothing.
I’ve submitted this rewrite to the authors. I’ve yet to hear back from them.
Longing to run again,
– Dean
April 22nd, 2009 at 6:38 pm
Awesome, I love the rewrite! They should hire you as their interpretor.
April 22nd, 2009 at 6:43 pm
ugh! I wish i had your version of the write up when I was going through what I thought was groin, then hip flexor, then adductor, turned out to be that stupid illiopsoas muscle that was aggravated. I was getting ART sessions, and he was digging into that muscle pretty good, going all the way up into my belly. Seemed weird at the time (and yes, it’s a dr/chiro I trusted) and he got me fixed up and running within a month! Sucks that it’s lingering so long 🙁
April 22nd, 2009 at 8:40 pm
Wow, I would never have the patience for that.
I can’t believe you’re still out. 🙁 Hope you find some answers/solutions SOON!
April 23rd, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Sorry you’re sidelined. However, perhaps you have found a new calling in translating these medical journals into everyday language. 🙂
April 23rd, 2009 at 6:49 pm
Dean, The verb in the fourth sentence is “presents.” I’m not sure why this escapes you. The only conclusion I can come to is that you went to Duke. … North Carolina reader
April 23rd, 2009 at 7:21 pm
I will agree that “presents” is the only possible verb in sentence four. If this indeed is the case, the author should sue his or her forth grade language arts teacher for negligence.
– Dean
April 28th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
I have had the same, well maybe, the same problem. It takes a long time to recover and it recurs. What was hard for me was around mile 23 I would start coughing and it would cause the pain. I went to a physical therapist for it one time. The suggestion was to do pelvic strengthening exercises. No kidding. I got better over time.
April 28th, 2009 at 10:03 pm
Yes, Kegels are surely the answer. Just don’t tell anyone you’re doing them. Especially on the trails.
October 26th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
First of all, I’m sorry to hear about your injury. Second, I’m sorry to hear you’re such an arrogant jerk. These journals are written in professional language and are SUPPOSED to be very technical. It’s a conversation among professionals, you twit. I’m sorry you’re level of education has not provided you the ability to recognize complex sentence structures. Pity.
October 28th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Mikaela,
Thanks for the comment. I LOVE that I pushed your buttons.
I welcome your comment with open arms and appreciate it greatly (seriously). I wish more folks who found my work not to their liking would say so. The dialogue is fun.
So, please keep reading. You may find much more that offends, especially my contention that all runners are liars, disparaging remarks about Phil Collins, mean rumblings about several marathons, grisly fascination with bloody knees and certainly plenty more about the human groin. Heaven help me if you find out what I said about Hillary and Obama.
Spoiler alert: I am in the process of writing about the Detroit deaths (respectfully, I assure you). But still, you may want to skip that one.
If your sympathy for my injury matches the intensity of your critique, I owe you a debt of gratitude.
– Dean
December 8th, 2009 at 4:02 pm
Dean, I missed a year after a groin injury, so I can sympathize. It is a very complex region and very few doctors are willing to spend the time to actually figure out what is wrong. It’s much easier to tell you to rest for 3-4 weeks and give you a scrip for anti-inflammatories than to actually solve the problem.
My issues started with a torn rectus abdominus, about three inches above the “nether-reaches.” It was a non-running injury that occurred when I lifted up my nephew. Of course, I kept running, which made it worse and caused other problems, including an anterior L3-L4 disk bulge and a sacroiliac issue. After clearing all that up with the help of a very attentive PT, I pulled the RA again lifting weights. Every doctor thought my pain had to be some kind of a hernia, or possibly a sports hernia, because it kept coming back. Eventually a month or so after the second RA tear, the pain changed and it was clear I had the disk bulge again. The pain was in the same place as the muscle pull, but it was nerve pain, not muscle pain. Once again, PT helped, once we were attacking the right problem. It was 53 weeks from my last run in ’08 until my first in ’09. I’m back up to 40 mpw and hoping to run Houston in January. Good luck.