The Race

11 April 2008



BARACK OBAMA
America, the Boston Marathon is upon us, and I’m running. I’m running for hope and I’m running for change.


JOHN McCAIN
I can think of no finer thing to do on Patriot’s Day.


HILLARY CLINTON
While at Wellesley, I cheered the heroic runners of the Boston Marathon. I was there when Tarzan Brown rallied to beat John Kelley.


BARACK OBAMA
In the face of great distance, we see opportunity. In the face of heartbreak hill, we see a better future. In the face of hyponatremia, we see properly managed sodium levels.


BILL CLINTON
I never did finish that marathon; couldn’t get past the Wellesley girls.


JOHN McCAIN
So you ended up marrying the Wellesley girl that cheered for you?


BARACK OBAMA
I have heard freedom’s call. I have felt the winds of change.


BILL CLINTON
Hillary was at Wellesley?


BARACK OBAMA
I have felt the wind of freedom. I have heard the call for change.


JOHN McCAIN
Many commendable American patriots attended Wellesley. All uphold the fine, upstanding values of the Boston Athletic Association.


RON PAUL
If victorious at Boston, I promise to dismantle the bureaucratic and unconstitutional Boston Athletic Association.


JOHN McCAIN
Destroying the BAA will only make us more vulnerable to dangerous terrorist attacks.


HILLARY CLINTON
I once ran Boston, paced by Sir Edmund Hillary. We came under sniper fire in Newton, and barely escaped with our lives.


BARACK OBAMA
I don’t run this race alone. In this decisive moment of history; in this dawn of a new era as a nation, we run as one people.


HILLARY CLINTON
That harrowing experience filled me with the desire to become the Senator for the great state of Massachusetts.


JOHN McCAIN
You’re the Senator from New York.


HILLARY CLINTON
Whatever.


BARACK OBAMA
Though we’ll grow weary in Newton, we will persevere. Though Cemetery Mile, we will not lose heart. Though our glycogen levels may become dangerously low in Brighton, we will finish this race.


JOHN McCAIN
Though I may have an acute myocardial infarction as early as Framingham, I will drag my battered body inch by torturous inch until I reach the finish.


GEORGE W. BUSH
You can do it Sparky. Heck in a handbasket, I ran a 3:44 in Houston. That takes guts. That takes tenacity. That takes stubbornocity.


HILLARY CLINTON
That’s not even a word.


GEORGE W. BUSH
Oh yeah, right. I meant “tenacitation.”


JOHN McCAIN
Friends, if by my death I can keep us secure from terrorists bent on diminishing our national physical fitness, I will humbly serve.


BARACK OBAMA
When we cross that finish line…


JOHN McCAIN
Friends, I don’t appear to have the funds for the entry fee.


BARACK OBAMA
…And when I say we I really mean me


JOHN McCAIN
I could run as a bandit; a renegade.


BARACK OBAMA
…When we break the tape at Copley Square, I’ll be thankful our moment has come; thankful for your tireless help; thankful for my Kenyan Ancestry.


HILLARY CLINTON
Have I mentioned that it wasn’t easy being the first woman to run Boston?


JOHN McCAIN
Friends, does anyone have body glide?

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