The Race
BARACK OBAMA
America, the Boston Marathon is upon us, and I’m running. I’m running for hope and I’m running for change.
JOHN McCAIN
I can think of no finer thing to do on Patriot’s Day.
HILLARY CLINTON
While at Wellesley, I cheered the heroic runners of the Boston Marathon. I was there when Tarzan Brown rallied to beat John Kelley.
BARACK OBAMA
In the face of great distance, we see opportunity. In the face of heartbreak hill, we see a better future. In the face of hyponatremia, we see properly managed sodium levels.
BILL CLINTON
I never did finish that marathon; couldn’t get past the Wellesley girls.
JOHN McCAIN
So you ended up marrying the Wellesley girl that cheered for you?
BARACK OBAMA
I have heard freedom’s call. I have felt the winds of change.
BILL CLINTON
Hillary was at Wellesley?
BARACK OBAMA
I have felt the wind of freedom. I have heard the call for change.
JOHN McCAIN
Many commendable American patriots attended Wellesley. All uphold the fine, upstanding values of the Boston Athletic Association.
RON PAUL
If victorious at Boston, I promise to dismantle the bureaucratic and unconstitutional Boston Athletic Association.
JOHN McCAIN
Destroying the BAA will only make us more vulnerable to dangerous terrorist attacks.
HILLARY CLINTON
I once ran Boston, paced by Sir Edmund Hillary. We came under sniper fire in Newton, and barely escaped with our lives.
BARACK OBAMA
I don’t run this race alone. In this decisive moment of history; in this dawn of a new era as a nation, we run as one people.
HILLARY CLINTON
That harrowing experience filled me with the desire to become the Senator for the great state of Massachusetts.
JOHN McCAIN
You’re the Senator from New York.
HILLARY CLINTON
Whatever.
BARACK OBAMA
Though we’ll grow weary in Newton, we will persevere. Though Cemetery Mile, we will not lose heart. Though our glycogen levels may become dangerously low in Brighton, we will finish this race.
JOHN McCAIN
Though I may have an acute myocardial infarction as early as Framingham, I will drag my battered body inch by torturous inch until I reach the finish.
GEORGE W. BUSH
You can do it Sparky. Heck in a handbasket, I ran a 3:44 in Houston. That takes guts. That takes tenacity. That takes stubbornocity.
HILLARY CLINTON
That’s not even a word.
GEORGE W. BUSH
Oh yeah, right. I meant “tenacitation.â€
JOHN McCAIN
Friends, if by my death I can keep us secure from terrorists bent on diminishing our national physical fitness, I will humbly serve.
BARACK OBAMA
When we cross that finish line…
JOHN McCAIN
Friends, I don’t appear to have the funds for the entry fee.
BARACK OBAMA
…And when I say we I really mean me…
JOHN McCAIN
I could run as a bandit; a renegade.
BARACK OBAMA
…When we break the tape at Copley Square, I’ll be thankful our moment has come; thankful for your tireless help; thankful for my Kenyan Ancestry.
HILLARY CLINTON
Have I mentioned that it wasn’t easy being the first woman to run Boston?
JOHN McCAIN
Friends, does anyone have body glide?
April 11th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Many thanks to “Rick – The Other White Meat” for the inspiration. And to DaneRunsaLot for GW’s vocabulary.
– Dean
April 11th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Stubbornocity is SO a word!
April 11th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Awesome Dean, truly awesome. I just provided a germ of an idea, you made it hilarious.
Next time we drink, I say we raise a toast and drink to stubbornocity !!!
And I’m not positive, but I think I was George W. last year congratulating some runners around mile 17 or 18 with a big ‘Mission Accomplished’ sign !
April 12th, 2008 at 11:17 am
Very good!!
Much more interesting than reading your tax return.
April 14th, 2008 at 11:06 am
OK. I’m hooked. Now have to make this site one of my daily reads. Thanks soooooooooo much for the laughs.
April 15th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
Quite brilliant, you crack me up! Good luck next Monday.
BTW, if you ever get bored with marathons, please consider running and blogging in our ultrarunning sub-subculture.
April 15th, 2008 at 1:41 pm
Sorry hadn’t noticed earlier– just read the reports for your Hitchcock Woods 50k last year (congrats). Even though you haven’t converted (yet), looks like you had fun.
April 15th, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Thanks Mark!
I’ve also completed the Mount Mitchell Challenge, 40 miles (mostly trails) up and down the tallest peak East of the Mississippi.
I’m running a 34 mile Trail race on May 4th.
So yeah… ultra me up!
– Dean
April 17th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
[…] the past seventeen days, I’ve written a Socratic dialogue starring Obama, Hillary, and McCain, presented a Studio 54 marathon medal only an undertaker would love, and extolled the virtues of […]
May 8th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
Brilliant!