Pubalgia’s Revenge
Medieval Hernia Surgery courtesy of Medscape.
You may not know this, but I’ve been injured for a while. It’s been a trying twenty-two months (so far). As one Twitteronian put it, “Man, that’s the longest groin pull in history.†I took this as a compliment. To those who have endured my interminably personal posts, comments, tweets and updates, I thank you from the bottom of my, well, you know.
Alas, my nether-regional monomania has alienated at least one woman. A long-lost friend resurfaced on Facebook to write, “Why are all your status updates about your groin? I know we haven’t talked since 1988, but I have to tell you point blank, I’ve had enough!â€
Such are the vagaries of human perspective. I feel as if I’ve shown remarkable restraint on the subject. I’ll spare you the specific details of my reply. Suffice it to say, groin jokes tend to write themselves.
Obviously, I haven’t yet recovered. I run a bit, but nothing like I used to. Recently, I was sent into a near apoplectic tizzy at the prospect of an honest-to-goodness diagnosis (a sign of how far I’ve lowered my expectations). Apparently, I suffer from something called Athletic Pubalgia. Think of this as a sports hernia equipped with a Romulan Cloaking Device. For some time, I have described pain, and sophisticated medical instruments have revealed no cause.
Only through careful process of elimination and diligent reflection have my medical team (yes, team) come to the conclusion that I have the dreaded, nebulous AP. It seems surgery is the only solution. This doesn’t bother me, but can a man truly embrace a procedure called Pelvic Floor Repair?
This sounds suspiciously like home improvement. “The lateral support in these joists are shot. You need a full pelvic floor repair. Yup.â€
Next thing you know, you’re constantly at Lowe’s, spending more money than Lady Gaga spends on translucent acrylic undergarments. Nothing goes as expected. Midway through the repair job, an improbable, ancient sarcophagus is found in the subfloor, necessitating a visit by the Smithsonian Institution’s artifact recovery team. The extraction causes so much damage that the contractor tells you, with no hint of empathy, that the wiring and plumbing for the entire house must now be replaced. You’ve become the manic-depressive speculator in an exceedingly disturbing, highly personal episode of Flip This House.
Yes, it’s fair to say I’m nervous about groin surgery.
But I’ll do nearly anything to solve this problem. Fellow runners understand this implicitly. Assuming my insurance company agrees that the solution to two years of chronic pain is something they might consider covering, I’ll give it a go; even if it means being strapped upside down to a medieval operating rack.
I just want to run again.
– Dean
@zerotoboston
July 6th, 2010 at 8:15 am
good luck pal, I’m suffering from achilles tendonitis, hope they don’t have to perform a Total Foot Repair!
July 6th, 2010 at 9:01 am
Do it and then it is behind you. I hope it does work out and I can assure you that I will find you a really large fruit basket afterwards. Good luck!!
July 7th, 2010 at 12:36 pm
I hope the doctors hammer gently. Good luck. Cheers!
July 12th, 2010 at 7:43 am
Dean, I’ve given a lot of thought to your groin. You know when a celebrity has a medical or drug problem and they have some doctor on Entertainment Tonight or some such show who says “While I have not examined Ms. Hilton and she is not a patient of mine, this is what I believe her problem is”. I’m that doctor in this story and you are Ms. Hilton.
And after much research, consultations with other groin professionals like myself, and hours of listening to Coast-to-Coast AM on late night radio, I believe you have “cryptorchidism”. Though without an examination I can’t say if it is of the ascending or retractile variety.
The standard treatment is, as you indicated, surgery. In this case orchiopexy. I am sorry to say that surgery is outside of my area of expertise, which is finding outlandish causes for serious problems.
I do have one recommendation though. A procedure growing in popularity is the “Mommy Tuck”. Where women giving birth, often through C-section, take the opportunity to refresh other anatomical areas which may have suffered through the stress of past deliveries. While under anesthesia they may opt for an additional tummy tuck, boob job, or possibly even vaginal rejuvenation surgery.
So consider, if you are going to all the trouble of groin surgery, while having “your floor repaired” as you described it, maybe you do a little bit of remodeling at the same time?
July 12th, 2010 at 5:17 pm
Rick, your hilarity knows no bounds.
– D
July 14th, 2010 at 1:14 pm
I found this quote in the Athletic Pubalgia link to be humorous:
Athletic pubalgia and sports hernias occur almost
exclusively in males. Women who present with a clinical
history consistent with either syndrome should be
scrutinized carefully.
Scrutinized for what? To make sure they’re really women and not men?
At any rate, good luck with whatever diagnostic path you pursue.
July 29th, 2010 at 2:22 pm
Dean,
I am a new runner and I believe I have the same thing. Are you in NC? Raleigh? Is so, can you send me an email to recommend a doctor nearby who knows about this.
My pain started with a violent cough resulting in an ab pull on the right. I kept running. And then got an ab pull on the other side from doing an intense crunch. The pain now radiates down my right leg – abductor muscle? I think by continuing to run thru these pulls, everyghing got workse over 3-4 months – a lot worse.
Feel like my bladder is gonna fall out when I start to run. The pain is in the pubic region – triangle area from crease to crease. Other things that hurt are lunges – hurt like hell and moving my right leg from right to left against resistance and running. No pain otherwise. Still hike and walk and cycle.
Thanks if you can recommend someone.
Good Luck with your pain and resolution of this!
John
August 24th, 2010 at 4:14 pm
You’ll probably feel some empathy for this poor guy McGillicuddy who couldn’t start at Stanford Football for more than 2 years partly as a result of a ‘Stress fracture to the Pubic Bone’. http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2010/08/20/SPG01F0U3T.DTL
Hard to imagine how one develops a stress fracture to the pubic bone?
October 12th, 2010 at 8:50 pm
My year and a half with Runner’s Butt (another “well, it’s not anything else” injury) has resulted in a book at least.
http://www.chasingtherunnershigh.com
Things are finally getting better. They are, damnit!