Employee Number 540
Like Michael Dukakis before me, I am now a card carrying member of a noted progressive organization. Rather than focusing intently on civil rights litigation, my group is dedicated to running marathons… lots of them. It’s not exactly a lofty proposition, but we can’t take ourselves seriously every minute, can we?
Certainly this group does not. These are the Marathon Maniacs. I’m number 540.
The Maniacs organized in 2003 when a group of extremely motivated runners decided to codify their marathon addiction. Today, this can mean dozens of marathons annually. Maniac #1 recently completed a Heinz special – 57 marathons in one year. The frequent flyer implications alone boggle the mind.
If you’ve run a marathon recently you may have seen a Maniac, easily identifiable by the shocking yellow singlets. They’re far from shy. Clearly, this is society for people with way too much free time and an oddball itch to fill it with rigorous aerobic exercise.
And they’re deliciously irreverent. You have to love an organization whose spasmodic runner logo (reminiscent of Robert Crumb) comes complete with an extremely distressed black cat perched on his head. The whole thing conjures up images of obsessively compulsive runners jaunting along, iPods set to Enigma’s quasi hip-hop Gregorian chants. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. The Maniacs aren’t the Stone Cutters or anything.
Of course, the Maniacs don’t just run marathons, they keep score. Members track their conquests on a bare-knuckles, gaudy website. There, in the “insane Asylum,†marathons are tracked by volume, location, and frequency. I can only guess that this showcasing satisfies a latent need for attention. Perhaps the maniacs all have an innocuously mild case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Who knows?
One thing is certain; those who run the most marathons are rated highest. Membership levels are named after elements of the periodic table (mostly, as we shall see). The rarer the element, the more difficult the requirement to achieve it. In a demented nod to grammar school reward charts, stars denote level. The more stars, the better.
Levels should not be confused with seniority, which is simply numerical. You’re given a number when you join and it locks you into the pecking order. I hope this doesn’t mean that maniacs 1 through 539 can make me do their laundry or something.
To recap; We’ve got numerical seniority, anal-retentive documentation, requirements, stars, designations and levels. Bureaucratized Maniacism: That’s what we’ve come to.
The rating system does however, get points for style. The delightfully obscure Iridium Level (4 stars) requires 19-25 marathons in one year. Up the chain, the Osmium Level (6 stars) can be reached if you finish 6 marathons in 16 days. The highest level, Titanium, boasts 10 stars and requires 52 marathons in one year. I can just see the Maniacs now, bad dubbing and all, “Your Ruthenium kung-fu is strong, but my Palladium cannot be defeated!â€
I must bow to such achievement. You see, I’m just a bronze Maniac.
Bronze is not even an element. It’s just a measly alloy; the only one on the list. For this lowest of all levels (1 star), I ran two marathons in 8 days, squeaking in by the skin of my plebeian teeth.
I guess this means that at Marathon Maniac conventions, I’ll be the guy handing out towels in the rest room.
Hey, I just work here.
– #540
June 25th, 2007 at 8:07 am
Man, those people have way too much time on their hands!
#191
June 25th, 2007 at 9:09 am
I agree — WAY too much time on their hands. They must be psycho to do such crazzzzy things.
June 25th, 2007 at 11:35 am
Jeez… what a bunch of maniacs. I hear they fight over singlet colors, too.
June 25th, 2007 at 12:21 pm
WE DO NOT!
#540
June 25th, 2007 at 12:58 pm
Oh hey guys….I think I have the wrong blog 😉
June 25th, 2007 at 1:50 pm
Heyyy, Handing out towels is my job
June 25th, 2007 at 2:08 pm
Incredible #316!
A 3:08 marathon at Newport. Enjoy Boston! What got you beyond the 3:30 threshold to that stellar finish, reminiscent of your work in the early-mid 90s?
– #540
June 25th, 2007 at 3:58 pm
Why stop at a little when you can do a lot? Ha! =) Black singlets rule!!!
June 26th, 2007 at 2:46 pm
Welcome! (Though strictly you should be welcoming me, as you are senior to me by three spots.)
June 26th, 2007 at 2:56 pm
#543,
I prefer heavy starch in my dress shirts and an even, crisp crease in my trousers.
DO NOT MATCH MY SOCKS!
Oh heaven help you if I find so much as one matched pair.
Thanks,
#540
June 26th, 2007 at 3:07 pm
He’s not kidding. He wore mismatched socks to our wedding!
June 26th, 2007 at 6:31 pm
Race you to ruthenium!
Seriously, I think three in three states in nine days is at least as likely to happen for me as any of the criteria in between. And I am eager to stop being a lowly bronze! Alas, the optimal timing would seem to be next week, what with a July 4th marathon in the middle of the week obviating the need for a double, but I doubt I can swing it timing-wise.
June 27th, 2007 at 7:40 am
#543
I think I’ll upgrade to Gold this autumn and make a push for Iridium after I qualify for Boston. I’ll almost certainly do the “2 Marathons in 2 days” option. But Boston is the primary goal for me. Other goals will have to take a back seat.
Good luck, and let me know when you escape the bronze basement.
#540
July 2nd, 2007 at 7:27 am
I’d glanced askance at the Maniacs before, taking another look now….
You like heavy starch in your dress shirts, huh?
kestrou
July 2nd, 2007 at 7:32 am
With your schedule, you’ll almost certainly start with more stars than me. But stars are about respect. Seniority is about laundry.
Sadly, though, in the maniac universe, Badwater only counts for “one ultra.” Kind of doesn’t seem right.
– #540
July 11th, 2007 at 5:22 am
welcome to the insane asylum, dean!!!
June 20th, 2009 at 12:40 pm
2007 update: I’m a big boy four star maniac now…