Gastrocnemius Narcissism
My body has changed since I became a runner. In my first four months on the road, I shed over ten pounds (dramatic for a lanky guy like me). I’ve since gained the weight back, but my body feels leaner and now features the results of all the hard work: I’ve grown new muscle.
I’ve never really had muscle before. Well, not real muscle anyway. Where once peakish limbs supported my gangly frame, now rock solid calves with visible dual gastrocnemius definition propel my gangly frame forward.
Of course, body changes like this can have more than a physical effect. And I must confess, I grew unusually fascinated with my legs. I found myself staring at my calves. Flexing. Staring. Flexing some more. I just never had bona fide triceps surae before, and I was hooked. My sublime experience with calfdom went beyond novel to outright enthrallment. Ok, actually, it devolved into the shamefully hypnotic.
I once asked a friend if it was wrong that I ogle my calves in quasi-awe. He’s a man of faith, so I asked specifically if this oddball preoccupation was a sin.He replied, “Dean… yes. Yes, it is a sin. But if you must sin, please sin better.â€
October 25th, 2006 at 10:39 am
Yup, your legs ARE awesome.
October 25th, 2006 at 12:00 pm
Oh yeah, that’s another benefit I forgot.
October 25th, 2006 at 7:04 pm
My fascination with not running began at an early age, specifically when I began to grow. I found that running, no matter how long I trained or how intensively, always hurt. It hurt badly. My knees would grow sore and my ankles and feet would end up in pain. That doesn’t even take into account the sweating, panting and metalic bloody taste always left in my mouth after a run. Yes, not running is for me. It’s not just a pass-time, but rather, a lifestyle. I have not picked up running, and it has made me a very happy man.
Quiting not running has been explained to me as a good lifestyle choice. My good friend Dean, the author of this blog, has explained running as being a good way to exorcise mid-life demons, a method of generating sex appeal and a fitting accentuator of the gastrocnemius muscles of the calf.
So, one by one, I pondered the potential benefits of quitting not running. First, the mid-life crisis. Not running has helped to reduce my life expectancy, effectually allowing me to pass mid-life several years ago. Having passed mid-life I no longer feel the need to have a crisis.
Second, sex appeal. Marathon runners and the like have no real sex appeal to women. The stringy runner’s physique is far more at home in a gay bar than in a woman’s bed.
Third, my gastrocnemius. Like many runners, I enjoy glancing at my calves in the mirror. However, unlike the world’s not running wagon faller-offers, I have the added benefit of pretending my calves and ankles are made from rising bread dough.
In the long run, I am confident that my decision to continue not running will make me a much happier person. Wait, why does my left arm tingle?
October 26th, 2006 at 8:43 am
Andrew, if you’re thinking I’m thinking you’re thinking what I think you’re thinking, you should reconsider your thoughts and quit quitting quitting not running.
October 26th, 2006 at 8:51 am
First of all, Dean’s BLOG rocks!!!!!!!!!
Some of my comments from a TRUE MIDDLE AGER freshly 47 years young.
Killer dude! It looks great! Yes! What a beautiful and “anatomically correct as well as politically correct BLOG!!!!
Running develops the muscles you were born with and will die with. Upper body work will also help your running as will cross training. My son is getting into it now and it is a gift to share running with him. Enjoy your calves… it’s cheaper than veal scaloppini baby!
What’s this poppycock, nonsense about midlife old boy! We are all children “at play in the fields of the lordâ€. Running is our “recess†our play time too. Yes… you are training so you’re “seriousâ€. But you can also play and socialize.
I started running because Bruce Lee – my hero – ran. He called running the “king†of all exercises. It was the basis of his training regime. He did A LOT of training.
That was back in the 1970’s at age 12 when I started cross country. Running has always been a part of my life. I am glad you have found that treasure/pleasure too.
Remember:
We do not stop playing because we grow old;
we grow old because we stop playing.
I am so glad I’ll be at Kiawah to watch you DO IT!!!!!!
See you on the road… or at least the back of you…
Ramsey
__ o
—-_`\
October 26th, 2006 at 9:01 am
Ramsey, you are positively infectious! Kiawah just got cooler — you’ll be there!
October 26th, 2006 at 3:01 pm
I thought I’d leave an update on my progress not running this fall. I didn’t run 10 miles this morning and man am I not sore. By keeping my rear firmly planed in my ergonomically constructed desk chair I have managed to keep the trend going and by winter time I’m really not going to be fit.
October 26th, 2006 at 3:03 pm
Andrew is like the bizaaro me.
October 26th, 2006 at 4:50 pm
Man, Andrew, we sure have a lot in common! I ALSO have been fervently not running for most of my life! Who knew?
October 26th, 2006 at 7:03 pm
I just received my I.D. card from the Fraternal Lackadaisical Activities Bureau. I’m officially a member of F.L.A.B.
October 26th, 2006 at 7:59 pm
I admire your ability to turn running into a narcissistic exercise, but I must point out that you are obsessing with the wrong part of your anatomy. The calf is the leg-equivalent of the forearm: Who has even heard of the extensor carpi radialis brevis muscle? It’s the building up of the bicep in the upper body that impresses. Likewise, for the runner, it’s all about the size of the thighs.
So when your quadriceps bulge to the point that you can’t find pants to accommodate both your thin man waist and your bulging runner’s thighs, ogle away. Until then, run more hills and stop staring at your backside.
October 27th, 2006 at 9:14 am
I appreciate genuine concern for my thighs.
October 27th, 2006 at 10:03 am
I like staring at his backside.
October 27th, 2006 at 5:48 pm
Tonight when I’m sitting on my couch in my boxers eating pizza and watching Battlestar Galactica, admiring my one-pack stomach and my nice soft pecs, I will have gone another week not running. I couldn’t have not done it without the support of my family and friends who have not convinced me to run. A special thanks to Dean Schuster, who through his musings on this blog, has not quite inspired me to get up and do something active. I leave you all this evening with the following words of wisdom. “If at first you don’t succeed, try something else.”
October 27th, 2006 at 8:01 pm
Andrew, my life is but to serve.
October 30th, 2006 at 1:32 pm
Good stuff Dean!!
Just let me know when you want to compare gastrocnemiuses.
October 30th, 2006 at 1:36 pm
That’s not even fair. I hear that, along with the Great Wall of China, your calves are among the few terrestrial objects that can be seen from space.
November 1st, 2006 at 8:35 am
Be very careful about letting Rick Majerus see your calves. His sililoqy about Marty P’s calves during an early-season ESPN game was CREEPY!
November 1st, 2006 at 9:08 am
I remember that commentary like it was yesterday. Majerus clearly started me on the road to gastrocnemiuos obsession. Thanks for the reminder.
Let’s hope Marty can grow into his calves, or at least use them to play defense once in a while.
March 4th, 2007 at 2:07 am
You should get a bike and watch your legs get cut up like a greek statue.